Do you ever wonder what white trash is thankful for? I didn't for a long time and then I saw the television show "My Name is Earl" and now I am getting in touch with my white trash roots. Everyone has white trash in their family. If they don't, it's because they themselves are the white trash. I have white trash cousins. In fact, some of my cousins are so trashy that proper white trash looks down on them. These are somethings I think white trash give thanks for:
Flip Flops with bows, flowers, and sequins: These fancy shoes can be worn to a bar on Saturday night with cut-off jeans and a leather halter top, and then to church on Sunday with that beautiful blue dress with the appliqued "yeller" roses. Also, black flip flops with silver or gold sequins can be worn to the funeral home when viewing a dearly departed family member.
Key chains and wallets that can be hooked to a belt: There's nothing that says white trash quicker than a shiny chrome key chain with a stretchy cord that hooks to a leather belt with the name burned in the back. If the belt was made by someone's brother, cousin, uncle, boyfriend, husband, or father during leather craft time at the state prison, it is not only a fashion statement , but a gift to be proud of. Wallets on a chain worn by men who don't ride motorcycles, but own 53 Harley Davidson t-shirts are in a fashion class all by themselves.
Lawn Ornaments: If you're driving down the road and see a yard full of plastic flowers , wishing wells, large plastic deer, brightly colored spinning whirly-gigs, and plywood cut-outs of a fat woman's ass bending over, there's a very good chance that white trash lives in that house. If it's a nice brick house with butterflys and birds nailed to the trim, that's a case of what happens "when white trash gets a dollar." My mother would point these things out as we were driving to the country to see "her" relatives. Of course, most of her family had at least one yard ornament to brag about.
Cars & Trucks with the owners name in the back "winder": I love to go to a red-neck white trash bars and see pickup trucks with elegant script written names on the back glass. The names are usually those of the driver and his beloved. I wonder if that's the white trash equivalent to a wedding ring.
Beer Can Christmas Trees: Craft-minded white trash make the "cutest" Christmas trees out of Bud and Bud Light beer cans. Starting with six cans on the bottom and reducing the number by one for each row going up, the need for a real Christmas tree is eliminated. Just spray paint the welded cans bright green and run a string a lights through the cans and people will be amazed at the beauty of this crafty idea.
It's fun to have white trash in your family. I always know that when I go out with my white trash relatives I'm going to have big fun. That is, until they all ball up in a fight at the bar and I have to go bail them out of jail. So, I guess this Thanksgiving I'm thankful that my mother and father weren't the trashy ones in the family.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Sundays With The Happy Goodmans
When I was a child, my favorite day of the week was Sunday. I loved Sunday mornings. To me and my oldest brother, Sunday mornings meant wrestling, country music, and The Happy Goodman Family. To us, this was the perfect combination for a fun-filled morning. We would get up early and plant ourselves in front of the television.
Our first show was a local country music show from the "big" town of Jonesville, Louisiana. Don Wiley and his Catahoula Boys were a local band that had somehow managed to get their own television show. I don't think Mr. Wiley ever made it to the big times of Nashville or Hollywood, but to me and Jr. he was as good or better than Hank Williams. We loved his music. We would dance around the living room and twist up and down the hall.
After 30 minutes of "catahoula country music" the television would begin to blare with shouts and screams of wrestling fans. Mid-South Wrestling was something to behold. Today's wrestling matches have nothing on the old Mid-South circuit. Jr. and I would practice our wrestling holds and throw each other around the living room while legends of wrestling such as Dusty Rhodes, Johnny Eagle, and an unknown blonde wrestler by the name of Rick Flair would put on a show to please every wrestling fan in the south . Mother would watch us from her place on the couch and laugh at us as we talked Daddy into being the referee. Both she and Daddy loved wrestling and they passed that love down to us.
As much as we loved wrestling and country music, our greatest Sunday morning love was "The Gospel Music Jubilee with The Happy Goodman Family. We absolutely loved this show. Whenever the music would begin and we heard the first strains of "Jubilee, Jubilee, Are you ready for the gospel Jubilee" we would both begin to dance. The Happy Goodmans sounded like angels and we could not be still. As we would start twisting, Mother would come off the couch and chase us around the living room with a switch. As she stripped our legs, she would tell us that we weren't supposed to dance to church music. We couldn't understand why dancing to church music was bad. The music was so happy and peppy, it just begged us to jump around and dance. If we weren't supposed to dance to it, why was it so festive? After she finished our spankings, we would get dressed and go to church. We rode to the baptist church with the neighbors and everyone in church said we were the best behaved children they had ever seen. We didn't talk in church, we didn't squirm, and we didn't do anything that would get back to mother. I wonder what the nice church ladies would have said if they knew that Clytie's heathern children had been jitterbugging to church music just 30 minutes ago.
The older I get the more I cherish my childhood memories. I find comfort in simple things such as remembering Sunday mornings and The Happy Goodmans. I've discovered that sometimes simple things are the best. In fact, I'm listening to The Happy Goodmans on MusicMatch Jukebox Radio and I know Mother is listening to them also. Maybe I should stop dancing to "The Eastern Gate", but I'm not. Tonight I'm not a 45 year old teacher, I'm a 7 year old girl trying to get away with dancing to church music.
Our first show was a local country music show from the "big" town of Jonesville, Louisiana. Don Wiley and his Catahoula Boys were a local band that had somehow managed to get their own television show. I don't think Mr. Wiley ever made it to the big times of Nashville or Hollywood, but to me and Jr. he was as good or better than Hank Williams. We loved his music. We would dance around the living room and twist up and down the hall.
After 30 minutes of "catahoula country music" the television would begin to blare with shouts and screams of wrestling fans. Mid-South Wrestling was something to behold. Today's wrestling matches have nothing on the old Mid-South circuit. Jr. and I would practice our wrestling holds and throw each other around the living room while legends of wrestling such as Dusty Rhodes, Johnny Eagle, and an unknown blonde wrestler by the name of Rick Flair would put on a show to please every wrestling fan in the south . Mother would watch us from her place on the couch and laugh at us as we talked Daddy into being the referee. Both she and Daddy loved wrestling and they passed that love down to us.
As much as we loved wrestling and country music, our greatest Sunday morning love was "The Gospel Music Jubilee with The Happy Goodman Family. We absolutely loved this show. Whenever the music would begin and we heard the first strains of "Jubilee, Jubilee, Are you ready for the gospel Jubilee" we would both begin to dance. The Happy Goodmans sounded like angels and we could not be still. As we would start twisting, Mother would come off the couch and chase us around the living room with a switch. As she stripped our legs, she would tell us that we weren't supposed to dance to church music. We couldn't understand why dancing to church music was bad. The music was so happy and peppy, it just begged us to jump around and dance. If we weren't supposed to dance to it, why was it so festive? After she finished our spankings, we would get dressed and go to church. We rode to the baptist church with the neighbors and everyone in church said we were the best behaved children they had ever seen. We didn't talk in church, we didn't squirm, and we didn't do anything that would get back to mother. I wonder what the nice church ladies would have said if they knew that Clytie's heathern children had been jitterbugging to church music just 30 minutes ago.
The older I get the more I cherish my childhood memories. I find comfort in simple things such as remembering Sunday mornings and The Happy Goodmans. I've discovered that sometimes simple things are the best. In fact, I'm listening to The Happy Goodmans on MusicMatch Jukebox Radio and I know Mother is listening to them also. Maybe I should stop dancing to "The Eastern Gate", but I'm not. Tonight I'm not a 45 year old teacher, I'm a 7 year old girl trying to get away with dancing to church music.
Monday, November 14, 2005
New & Improved Weird Stuff In My Head
I tried to publish a post the other day titled "Weird Stuff In My Head" and somehow managed to lose it. Don't ask me how I did that, but I did. I'm wondering if my odd ramblings are floating through outer space looking for a home. Maybe someone turned on their computer and there was my post. It's a scary thought for who ever might accidentaly find it and not have an explanation to go with it. Trust me, sometimes I have some weird stuff stuck in my head!
Tonight's weird stuff episode involves odd sayings. Most of these sayings are ones I've heard all my life and I'm pretty sure members of my family invented them.
1. Whenever I would do something to ruin a plan my father had, he would say "That put the quietus on that." Quietus is pronounced: Qui E Tus I'm not real sure what a quietus is, but I know "acting a fool" or "showing your ass" will put the quietus on any fun situation pretty quickly.
2. My youngest brother (actually he's my cousin, but my mother raised him and we're real close) often complains with "severe skull cramps." I'm guessing his headaches are more painful than regular headaches and they cause his skull to cramp. Seems pretty severe to me.
3. Some of my favorite sayings have to do with being intoxicated. My family did not get drunk, they got: Tight; Stupid; Lit; Tore Up; Ignorant; Cut (doesn't necessesarily involve a fight); Looped; Flung; Slung; and my all time favorite - Out Of Your Box.
4. When I was younger and prone to spankings, my mother would tell us to act right or she would "tune our asses up." We never sang during a whipping, unless you could call the screaming and crying music and that was one song I never wanted to dance to.
5. As my father got older, his sayings became more colorful and closely related to health problems. At the age of 80, he found that his stomach was prone to act up. Several times I have come home from school and asked Daddy how his day was. Often times he would reply "It was a bad day. I couldn't leave the house because my ass was shooting water." I'm sure you can figure out his ailment.
6. My mother was in a great deal of pain during her last months of life. One time the home health care aid asked her how she felt. My mother looked up at her and in her most proper Southern voice said "I hurt so bad I could shit a squealing worm." I, myself, never want to hurt that bad. Passing the worm alone is enough to scare you to death.
7. My favorite aunt has the best saying I have ever heard. Whenever Aunt Muriel gets mad she says "That just makes my ass want to suck a lemon." How perfect is that? Sometimes, that describes your level of anger to a tea.
I'm sure there are more sayings and other weird stuff in my head, put right now I'm at a loss. I'm having severe skull cramps, my ass is trying to shoot water, and my dog is making me look for lemons. I need a nap.
Tonight's weird stuff episode involves odd sayings. Most of these sayings are ones I've heard all my life and I'm pretty sure members of my family invented them.
1. Whenever I would do something to ruin a plan my father had, he would say "That put the quietus on that." Quietus is pronounced: Qui E Tus I'm not real sure what a quietus is, but I know "acting a fool" or "showing your ass" will put the quietus on any fun situation pretty quickly.
2. My youngest brother (actually he's my cousin, but my mother raised him and we're real close) often complains with "severe skull cramps." I'm guessing his headaches are more painful than regular headaches and they cause his skull to cramp. Seems pretty severe to me.
3. Some of my favorite sayings have to do with being intoxicated. My family did not get drunk, they got: Tight; Stupid; Lit; Tore Up; Ignorant; Cut (doesn't necessesarily involve a fight); Looped; Flung; Slung; and my all time favorite - Out Of Your Box.
4. When I was younger and prone to spankings, my mother would tell us to act right or she would "tune our asses up." We never sang during a whipping, unless you could call the screaming and crying music and that was one song I never wanted to dance to.
5. As my father got older, his sayings became more colorful and closely related to health problems. At the age of 80, he found that his stomach was prone to act up. Several times I have come home from school and asked Daddy how his day was. Often times he would reply "It was a bad day. I couldn't leave the house because my ass was shooting water." I'm sure you can figure out his ailment.
6. My mother was in a great deal of pain during her last months of life. One time the home health care aid asked her how she felt. My mother looked up at her and in her most proper Southern voice said "I hurt so bad I could shit a squealing worm." I, myself, never want to hurt that bad. Passing the worm alone is enough to scare you to death.
7. My favorite aunt has the best saying I have ever heard. Whenever Aunt Muriel gets mad she says "That just makes my ass want to suck a lemon." How perfect is that? Sometimes, that describes your level of anger to a tea.
I'm sure there are more sayings and other weird stuff in my head, put right now I'm at a loss. I'm having severe skull cramps, my ass is trying to shoot water, and my dog is making me look for lemons. I need a nap.
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